I'm sitting here on my less than comfortable sofa, staring at my black and white (and fuzzy) television trying to figure out just how I got here. As I pop the top on a Bud Light and take a chug I re-evaluate the past two months and like aways, my stomach takes a dive.

Three months ago I had a great job in a high profile ad agency as an Account Director. I loved what I did and felt like I was one of the few people that woke up in the morning excited over another day of work. I was the first to arrive and the last to leave. When I did leave I usually ended up getting together with the most wonderful man in the world. Usually we'd spend the evenings cooking dinner, relaxing with wine and just having little silly conversations. On weekends we scour the internet and pick a little town to drive to, far enough away so that it felt as if we'd left our big city lives in the dust, but no further than an afternoon drive.

I loved him, he loved me and I loved my job. Hell, I loved life. I didn't have a glamorous life, but I thoroughly enjoyed the life I lived. Life coudn't get any more perfect.

Apparently I was right. One day we met after work as usual. Looking back at that day I could see all the signs, but of course at that time my rationale was shrouded by Cloud Nine. He'd decided to take me to a small Korean restaurant that we both wanted to try. On the way there I gabbed about my day, an exceptional day. I'd just pitched a winning ad to one of our most discriminating clients it from their reactions, it looked like it would be used. Anyway I didn't notice how quiet he had been on the walk to the restaurant.

"So we need to talk." He said quietly. I smiled up at him and nodded, oblivious to sudden chill in the air.

"Okay, what are we talking about? I have been monopolizing the conversation tonight, haven't I babe?"

He smiled slightly and then took a deep breath. I still felt no worry.

"Um, well, you see...." he stuttered and for the first time I felt something strange in my gut.

"What happened? Did they fire you?" I took his hand and looked into his eyes. I know that at some points he worried about his job, but I knew he was an excellent attorney and any firm in town would be happy to have him, so it wasn't a total loss. We'd go home and work on his resume so that he could have it circulating by the next morning. Anything for the man that I love.

"No, no. That's fine. Um...we need to break up." Silence. Shock. Awe. Those were not the words I ever expected to hear come from his mouth. Break up?

"Break up? Split? What." My hand opened and dropped his and as I felt the emotions course through me I slowly took in what he was saying. "What..what are you talking about?"

"I, I just don't see a future with us. Don't get me wrong because I love being around you, I love you, but when I think about my future...I just don't see you in it. We're getting older, I mean I'd like to get married and start a family and I don't think it's fair for either of us if I stay with someone I don't see taking those steps with me."

The man that I assumed *I* would spend my life with was telling me that he didn't see me the same way. I'd already picked out my wedding dress (a gorgeous Vera Wang strapless) and our honeymoon (a cruise through the Mediterranian). We were over? I couldn't even say a word. I couldn't cry, I couldn't scream, I couldn't even perform the ceremonial dousing of his head with wine. I calmly took my napkin from my lap, downed my glass of wine, glared at him and walked out. It wasn't lost on me that he never followed me. Nor did he call that night, or the next night, or the next. In fact, I haven't heard from him since.

If you think that was bad, know that it got worse for me. A week later, that big discriminating client that I'd pitched to decided to take their business to another ad agency. It wasn't my fault, but the president of the firm took it badly. So badly in fact that he decided to downsize since one of our biggest clients had left. The firm went from 40 people down to 10 and it was greatly possible that it would be closing it's offices in my city soon. I thought I would be one of the lucky 10 to stay since I had a decent track record with the firm, but unfortunately I was one of the unlucky 30 to be initially laid off.

That was two months ago and the job fish aren't biting. Although I received a nice severance package from the lay off that will get me through a few months, with every week that passes by where I don't receive a call for an interview I feel less and less connected to the real world, and even less hopeful that I'll ever be back in the professional world, with a job...or a man that I love.

This brings me right back to sitting here in my living room trying to figure out the beginning of the rest of my life. The beer is warm now. There's yet another infomercial hawking some 15 minute cooking machine phenomenom. Two months. It feels like hell.